Grum

Grum. Grum. Grum. According to Dr. Seuss, that's the sound that a hippopotamus makes when it's chewing gum. It's a rumination of sorts. It's the sound that my mind has been making the last few days.

There's all these thoughts rolling around in my mind, you see? Conversations and interactions replaying themselves. Accusations shot from the Enemy. Encouragement poured out from the Spirit. And my own heart laying out some interesting points. Last night it was a duke-out between the voice of Wisdom and the voice of Fear. Who won? I'm not entirely sure.

The first cause of all the grumming is complex, but the trigger is a relationship: A long-prayed-for friendship that still seems so awkward and fragile and dangerous to me. I am untrained in the finer points of fellowship and unhealed in deep places, and this combination often leaves me breathless around the people that I admire most.

An abundance of rejection has created a deep pool of paranoia in my life. I chronically doubt affection. I continually question motives. And I always seem to leave the window of my heart cracked open just enough to allow slimy dark lies to snake in and embroil themselves in my thoughts. I become convinced again of my too-muchness and not-enoughness. I see only my endless success in mucking-it-up. I want to self-protect, to back out, to run away.

But God in His mercy doesn't allow me to stay there. The quiet voice of Truth commands and provides unselfish love and fearlessness. He is my refuge; I do not need to self-protect. He is Truth; the Liar has to flee. He is Love, I should not doubt it. And friendship is a gift; I should receive it with grace.

Abba, Father, thank You for Your crazy love for me. Please continue to root out the fear in my life. Be my only-needed Friend and keep me from placing unreasonable expectations on others. Teach me to love selflessly.

Hoped-for friend (you may know who you are), I love you with a fierce and timid love, whether you receive it or not. You are my sister, a consanguinity made by Christ.

Once let friendship be given that is born of God, nor time nor circumstance can change it to a lessening; it must be mutual growth, increasing trust, widening faith, enduring patience, forgiving love, unselfish ambition, an affection built before the Throne, that will bear the test of time and trial. - Allan Throckmorton